She went from zero to smokin in five shots
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
