Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
