Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
