somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
