I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
