Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
