1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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