I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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