just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
