32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
