hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
