I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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