I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
