you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He did a backflip because drugs
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
