So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
