mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
