Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
