nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
