I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
