i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
