It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
