some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
