i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
