so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
