she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
