Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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