Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
