I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
