upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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