Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
he shaved USA in his pubs
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
