Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
