he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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