Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
