Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
