Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
