i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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