DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
