they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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