I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I will pee on everything he values.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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