Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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