ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
