just come out here and I will go home with you...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
