watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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