Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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