My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
