how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
