My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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