please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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