I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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