Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
