we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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