i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
