his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
