he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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