i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He kissed a someone with a penis
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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